Commitment.

It feels like an eternity since I have blogged and I have been feeling very guilty about it. But I have been thinking a lot lately about commitment. I have talked before about commitment in dealing with weight loss and such, but this time around, I have been thinking of commitment in general. For instance, I have been asking myself "how committed are you in life?" "How committed are you in your relationship?" "How committed are you to your religion?" "How committed are you to your family?"

I have heard it said that it is within the trials of life that your true character appears. As I ponder that saying, I wonder why my true character is such a wuss.

As most of you know, I was married almost 3 years ago (in September). I knew before I got married that my sweetheart had four teenagers that had some problems. Well, for about the first year of our marriage, when people would ask how its going, I would always say, "Marriage is great, but parenthood sucks!" I was consistantly trying to fix Gary's kid's problems, so they would be kid's with no problems (or smaller ones anyway). By the time I realized that I no longer needed to "fix" these kids, but just love them, it was too late. The damage was done. They hate me--and rightfully so. In the effort to fix these kids, I gave them just one more person to distrust. One more person that is not on their side.

I look at my mom who so valiantly raised her own kids and others. In the midst of her adversity, she bloomed and grew by leaps and bounds. She had it hard. Very hard. But she never let her children ever feel like they were not loved.

When I think about my commitment to my family, I think about my mom and her commitment to her family. She was committed and nothing was going to tear her away from her commitment. My mother is a rock, an angel. She suffered greatly in her life. I often ask why she didn't quit? She just replies "quitting is not an option."

Am I committed? I don't really know yet. I want to be. I want to build strong characteristics and become a better person, a person like my mom. Strong, obedient, determined, righteous, and brave. For now, I am working on being committed. I am working on being better.

As for my sweet troubled kids, I love them dearly and I am so sorry for everything that I put them through (even though I still don't approve of their actions). Its not until recently that I realized they had enough on their plate without adding a wicked step-mother into the mix. I am so very sorry. Their father is my sweetheart and will be forever--I am so lucky to have him and I wouldn't change anything about our life together. For me, in this moment, its perfect.